So, what are you doing now?

Life has a way of moving forward whether we want it to or not. Whether we are holding on to the old and resisting the new, or we are denying the past and worrying about the future; whatever it is, if we are not living fully in the present moment it disappears before we know it, and then we discover that we haven't really lived at all, but we've been looking back or looking ahead, waiting for some vague image of a dream or a memory.

One day last year I realized that I was ready to embrace the present - to stop trying to manage outcomes and control my future, and to step out of the tiny box I had squeezed myself into in the past. My safe and comfortable life was no longer satisfying. There was something just a bit hollow and empty, and I could no longer deny the restlessness in my soul. And so, as I admitted this truth and opened myself to the possibilities, I found myself quitting my job, selling my car, packing a couple of bags, and putting everything else in a tiny storage unit, so that I could get on a plane to an unknown future in France. This blog began as a way for me to share my journey with you as I embarked on this new adventure, and what an adventure it has been!

Now, nearly a year later I find myself back in Colorado, sitting in the uncomfortable liminal space of a whole lot of unknowns, yet being more at peace than I've been in a long time. I've returned to my place of belonging, my community, my support network. As I continue to learn to share my needs, to put more of my weight on the bridge of relationship that connects me to others, I find myself overwhelmed with generous hospitality and kindness. In this, yet another season of transition, my friends and family are patiently and joyfully walking with me.

 

 

After a year away, I was hopeful that I would have this great epiphany, that my true purpose in life would blatantly present itself so that I would know without a shadow of a doubt what was next.... but the heavens remained silent, and instead, I've heard the quiet whisper of the Spirit, the gentle calling of the One who created me: Be present. Be patient. Be still. Be open.

So what am I doing now? That's the question everyone asks. If I say that I am simply being present and waiting, people get a bit uncomfortable, because we are a society of doing, not being. We make things happen, we don't take time to watch them grow and develop. And so, the socially correct answer is; I'm looking for a car, a job, and a place to live. I've polished my resume and submitted applications, I'm networking and..... doesn't that all sound nice? And yet, if I'm looking to reconstruct my life as it was, to replicate what I had, then why did I leave? The reality is, I am doing all of the necessary things to find a source of income, to have reliable transportation, and to have a long-term, sustainable place to live.... and yet what's different is my heart. My internal motivations and questions are very different now. As I embrace the fullness and authenticity of who I am, I will find those things that are necessary for me to live a satisfying life, but they will not define me, they will simply be a part of my story.

Pursuing our dreams isn't always easy

Today I am tired. The sort of tired that is bone-deep, soul-weary, and simply exhausted. There's no real reason for this, and I feel guilty for even saying it because I'm here in France, "living my dream". However, the reality is, it's sometimes hard to pursue our dreams.




Some things require all of our given graces....patience, risk, balance, intention, spirit, love
Card by Curly Girl Design

Today I don't want to be brave or courageous or adventurous. I don't want to learn new things or be stretched or challenged. I long for the comfort of the familiar, the routine..... and yet I know that is the weariness talking, and while I feel disheartened at this moment, I know that this is exactly where I am supposed to be, because underlying the weariness is a deep sense of peace and joy. I know that I continue to grow into a more whole person, more authentic to who I was created to be. I am letting go a little more and letting life happen, rather than trying to tell life how to be and what to do. Parker Palmer has said "the life I am living is not the same as the life that wants to live in me..... running beneath the surface of the experience I call my life, there is a deeper and truer life waiting to be acknowledged."  At this moment my goal is to be still and listen for the truer life, to hear my soul and to live more fully; and in doing so, my hope is to then companion others on their journey of discovering a truer life.

On this adventure I hope that I am becoming a better communicator as I continue to learn not only a new language but a new culture; however, I miss the ease of communicating in my native language. I realize that I often took for granted the ability to express myself. I could effortlessly use words to relate with people. Now I am forced to find new ways of relating when I don't have the vocabulary to express myself, or to simply be still and listen and say nothing at all.

I am so very grateful for my new friends, those who have embraced me and welcomed me into their lives for this season, and we are now living in the present together creating history which will forever change who I am and how I engage the world; yet I miss the ease of friendship that comes only with time, the comfort of being with friends who have already lived through some history with me.

I have these two cards that beautifully capture this part of my journey. The one on the right I found at my favorite boutique near Denver just before I moved. It expresses a sentiment that inspires me and reminds me that this journey I am on is not just about me, but it involves a lot of other people that I get the privilege of meeting and being a part of their journey. The one on the left I found at a street market in Paris, and it creatively depicts my spirit of adventure. It is also a visual representation of the statement on the other card, "We each have a light, our adventure is finding which paths to brighten."




We each have a light, our adventure is finding which paths to brighten
Cards by Curly Girl Designs and Gaelle Boissonnard 

And so I sit here in my weariness and I am humbled and thankful for this life I get to live. I am grateful for you, my family and friends - both new and old, who are on this journey with me. I couldn't do it alone and I am beholden to you, encouraged by your presence in my life.